glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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