Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I will pee on everything he values.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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