I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
