3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
