i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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