oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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