I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
