if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
