it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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