i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
