The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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