Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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