she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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