C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
