***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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