3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
