My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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