you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
