I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
