OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
