You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
