life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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