You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
tell me about the fingering
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