Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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