im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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