hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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