Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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