the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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