Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
