Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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