She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You are the jesus of drinking
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sorry about my life...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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