if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
