I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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