stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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