So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
