Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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