i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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