Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
