come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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