you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
BRING THE BAGELS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
