I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
