Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
