Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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