Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
