I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This gyro tastes like lonliness
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i've created a new STD.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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