Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
