There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
