we have pet lesbian snakes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
