Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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