Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
