Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
