I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
