i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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