remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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