So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
