i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
