Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
